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In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer. So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up. My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore. Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time. There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. Why don't you write books people can read? Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste. Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow. Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die. We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease. Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. Everything has been figured out, except how to live. To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell. My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position. If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners. No one can earn a million dollars honestly. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras. When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras. When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction. The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship. If you are going through hell, keep going. A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means. Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood. We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes. Behind every great fortune there is a crime. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction. The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it. If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't. Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother. Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother. Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother. Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother. Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles. A poem is never finished, only abandoned. A poem is never finished, only abandoned. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it. If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it. If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it. If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. The best way to predict the future is to invent it. After every 'victory' you have more enemies. It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims. The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready. The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready. It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it. UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity. The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket? Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket? Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket? To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? When ideas fail, words come in very handy. A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art. Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready. The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready. The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown. Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones. Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting. Computers are useless; they can only give you answers. There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole. No one can earn a million dollars honestly. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches. Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent. All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher. A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny. A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny. If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs. Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs. Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs. Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it. If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences. Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. He managed to stupid himself right into the White House. Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't. Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't. Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't. Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car... I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car... I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car... I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car... Computers are useless; they can only give you answers. Computers are useless; they can only give you answers. Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things. Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher. There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem. The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same. A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket? Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket? Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket? Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread. Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar. A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar. A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar. Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment. We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction. Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens? If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens? If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens? If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens? Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down. My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now. A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg. Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor. It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both. Everything has been figured out, except how to live. The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too. I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences. I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences. If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences. The cynics are right nine times out of ten. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students! An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are. A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both. The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings The covers of this book are too far apart. I failed to make the chess team because of my height. I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife. I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. Behind every great fortune there is a crime. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them. Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends. Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely. The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being. The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible. Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell. A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family. TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you. Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives. You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. I failed to make the chess team because of my height. There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it. Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn. Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language. UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are. Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure. I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'. Humor is also a way of saying something serious. You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. Silence is argument carried out by other means. Silence is argument carried out by other means. The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall. Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory. Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory. Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory. Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'. We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface. 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